Apologies for the two week hiatus - An insane wedding and bruised knuckles from the Dublin Junior Hurling Championship laid me low for a while but we're back on track and raring to go.
Still on a massive high after Westmeath's amazing win today against Meath, and I feel this game may just be the methadone I need to bring me back to normality.
The burning questions for today's game: Can Kildare mount a chall....
Actually, let's not bother. This is going to be a hiding.
Our commentary team for today's game: Marty Morrissey and Kevin McStay.
Also joining us through the magic of Whatsapp are my buddies Dave and Ted - I feel I will need all the help I can get to lash out a readable blog from this game.
National Anthem check: No opera singers. Perfect.
First Half
4 mins: Fantastic dispossession by Jonny Cooper prevents a certain Kildare goal - great corner back play.
8 mins: Goal for Dean Rock, set up well by Philly McMahon. Too easy.
Kevin McStay: "Almost a no-look pass there."
9 mins: Classic Marty Morrissey overreaction as Diarmuid Connolly taps over a point from 12 yards.
"Look at the skill of Connolly!"
A Kildare player is receiving medical treatment and the play is stopped.
Marty Morrissey: "Ollie Lyons has a hand difficulty".
13 mins: Goal for Bernard Brogan as his vicious first time shot smashes Connolly in the face. Brogan curtails his celebrations to check on his teammate.
Marty Morrissey: "Diarmuid Connolly might need an Anadin for that headache."
My buddy Dave is settling in nicely for the game:
Nice bit of grub Davey.
Dave: Michael Darragh needs a new hairstyle (thumbs down).
Me: Christ, Kildare are pathetic.
Dave: Bored, gonna start scoring the hairstyles:
Michael Darragh - 3 on 10 (thumbs down)
Brogan: 8 on 10...handsome bastard
Dean Rock: 6 on 10
16 mins: A nice touch as there is a round of applause from the Hill to mark the deaths of the students in Berkeley, and also the two Dublin supporters who died recently in Portmarnock. This has been well publicised all week, but Marty has absolutely no idea what's going on, as he says uncertainly:
"Eh, a round of applause there..."
23 mins: Goal chance for Kildare fired wide.
Marty: "There was a bend on it, but it was bending outside."
31 mins: Bernard Brogan turns and shoots from straight in front of goal, 21 yards out. Routine score but Marty's having none of it:
"Brogan with a lovely score from a difficult enough angle".
Me: MDMA is difficult enough to warm to...not the drug obviously.
Ted: Huh? MDMA?
Me: Macauley's nickname
Ted: Nice name.
Me: I think Connolly's nickname should be 'Heroin'.
Dave: Conway's hair: 7 on 10.
Me: I think all the Dublin players should be made to smoke 5 Rothmans at halftime
36 mins: Goal for Connolly. At his ease. Nice lazy finish.
Kevin McStay: "The oxygen has been taken out of the Kildare support."
Halftime score: Dublin 3-10 Kildare 0-6.
Dublin are coasting here - even with Cluxton struggling to find his mark with several kickouts, it has been a cakewalk. Jonny Cooper has given an exhibition of corner back play, and Ciaran Kilkenny has been on fire at the other end, with four points from play.
Halftime Analysis
Brolly: The balls to the Dublin full forward line have been delivered with a cushion and a top hat. Football of the very highest order.
Spillane: Superb.
Dave: Looking forward to scoring the pundits:
Darragh Moloney - 6 on 10
Brolly - 4 on 10
Spillane - 1 on 10
Poor showing from Kerry so far.
Dave (on Spillane): shocking, looks like his hair was cut with a hedge trimmer.
Dave: Wowza,
Me: Brogan was at our club last week coaching kids. Apparently all the mothers were there in full makeup.
Dave: LOL
Spillane: This is Barcelona playing Yeovil Town.
Brolly: I remember speaking to Bernard Brogan in a nightclub, we were having a few drinks.
Spillane (interrupting): Jesus.
Brolly speaks about how Dublin have tweaked their playing style this year:
"Dublin last year was the Harlem Globetrotters playing against white men."
Second Half
42 mins Jim Gavin is giving the subs a run, nice to see.
46 mins: Marty: "The player that's going off is the yellow card, Tommy White."
47 mins: Mark Donnellan in the Kildare goal has made two fine saves since the break.
48 mins: Referee David Coldrick is clearly bored and is running around Croke Park flashing double yellow cards to anyone misbehaving. Lazy refereeing really, and a contrast to the fine refereeing performance in the Meath Westmeath game.
49 mins: A ringing endorsement of Kildare by Marty:
"Several of these Kildare players are still giving 100%."
Dave: I said earlier that McMemamin looks like Dessie Farrell, I meant Charlie Redmond. Just wanted to clear that up.
Me: Not a great compliment. Redmond was very dog-like. A dog with a sweet right foot.
Dave: Alan Brogan 7 on 10
Me: Combined haircut score of Brogans: 16 on 20.
Dave: Solid performance yeah. They obviously spur each other on.
With Dublin 12 points ahead, Kevin McStay has seen enough and puts the boot in:
"OK there's a big margin on the scoreboard, but not in the performance." I'd say they're fairly happy with it Kevin.
58 mins: An 'entanglement' breaks out in the middle of the field. In rushes David Coldrick...what will the decision be I wonder?
Two yellows!
Jonny Cooper on the ground with an arm across his throat will be delighted with that.
62 mins: Penalty to Dublin and a black card for the Kildare keeper. On comes the sub goalie for his first taste of intercounty football, facing a Diarmuid Connolly penalty.
Kevin McStay: "Best of luck with that, as they say."
Dave: Sub keeper 4 on 10.
Connolly buries the penalty and Kevin has words of encouragement for Kildare:
"There's life after this for Kildare, remember the qualifiers are there." Inspirational!
67 mins: Simple goal for Bernard Brogan as he plays a one-two with Paddy Andrews and the ball is almost walked into the net.
Marty: "That really is something special!"
Full time: Dublin 5-17 Kildare 0-14
Marty: "For Jim Gavin, this game is over".
Kevin McStay: "You'd have to be impressed".
What have we learned today? Nothing really. Dublin are really, really good at hammering bad teams, but we knew that last year. The big tests are yet to come, and how they can react to adversity remains to be seen.
Bernard Brogan's post-match interview:
Dave: Dat 'do though...
Me: Jesus, Brogan keeps the hair well during the match. He probably gets a touch up at halftime when he should be having his fags.
Post-Match Analysis
Spillane clearly had the calculator out in the last few minutes, and besides spelling out 'BOOBS' and showing it to Joe, he is rattling off average winning margins and scoring rates and all sorts of other figures.
Brolly: "Dublin are ambitious, honest and entertaining. You'll never be bored watching the Dubs."
Spillane: "There were 50,000 here at the start of the game and still 30 to 35,000 left at full time. That's because Dublin are beautiful to watch."
I make that a 30% reduction in numbers Pat.
Brolly has been trying his best to needle Pat all afternoon to no avail, and has one last pop:
"Kerry won the All-Ireland last year and nobody outside Kerry gave a damn."
No reaction.
Pat finishes things off for us with his usual cutting edge insight into modern Gaelic football:
"If you want to compete against Dublin, you have to get stuck into them."
If only Jason Ryan was so wise...
Right, sin a bhfuil...
Tune in next week when we have a double header of Cork games to give out about. I swore blind I would never travel to Killarney again after last time, but you never know...
Slán.
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