17/05 – Donegal vs Tyrone

Welcome one and all to the pissing rain and howling wind of Ballybofey, for this the preliminary round of the Ulster Championship, between two teams absolutely sick of playing eachother.

Will any sense of adventure be smothered by two wet blankets, or will a game of football break out against all odds? Stay tuned, all will be revealed.

First up, a rather hipster-ish Benny Coulter talks about playing against Donegal and Tyrone. It doesn't sound like he enjoyed it much, noticeably wincing when he has to mention Donegal.

The panel! Joe Brolly, Colm O'Rourke and Pat Spillane. Colm sits in the middle as usual in an attempt to keep the peace.

I'll admit it, I'm not overly optimistic about how these three lads are going to analyse this season's championship. Football has changed, they have not. The game is very tactical now, and people at home want it analysed accordingly. Let's see how it goes...

Colm: 'Donegal beat Dublin last year because the Dublin backs refused to mark their men'.

A gross over-simplification and kind of insulting to Dublin, but I'll allow it.

Pat presents a piece of 'analysis' about overcoming Donegal's defensive system. For evidence, he has a series of clips of scores against Donegal by various teams (mainly Kerry), and simply talks over them, explaining what's happening.

Very poor even by Pat's standards – showing teams kicking scores against Donegal is not analysis – we know they concede scores. What you're supposed to tell us is how a team should attack them with maximum efficiency.

Brolly gives us a decent account of both teams' style of play, and Tyrone's limitations in comparison to Donegal. He knows his stuff when he's not trying to be Eamon Dunphy or make Pat's head explode.

Michael Lyster manfully cuts off a cliché ridden interview with Eamonn Fitzmaurice mid-sentence to tell us that the game is about to start, and introduce our commentary team of Marty Morrissey and Martin Carney. Christ.

I can already sense Marty's moaning vibes about the handpassing, but to be fair, I am rather looking forward to the muddled sentences of Martin Carney, who clearly skipped a semester or two of commentary jargon school, and may have peaked in the All-Ireland final of 2011 with the seldom-used phrase:

“He catched its face”, when referring to a clash between Ger Brennan and Declan O'Sullivan.

As the teams parade around Ballybofey, it's clear that the rumours of a svelte Michael Murphy were greatly exaggerated - he is bursting out of the jersey just as frighteningly as he ever was.

Marty: This venue in Ballybofey is sold out, which means we have a capacity crowd.

Carney: Going out with a blanket defensive system against Donegal is absolute stupidity.

100% incorrect Martin. The ONLY way to play Donegal is to take them on at their own game. Almost common knowledge at this point. It worked for Kerry last year, and when Dublin tried to play an attacking game against them it backfired spectacularly. Really silly statement.

Carney again: A cocktail of factors must gel for Tyrone today.

Boom!

You know, Lloyd, just when I think you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!

OK, National Anthem over, let's go!

2 mins Two excellent early scores for Donegal, one a beauty by Paddy McBrearty.

3 mins Time for my opening tirade on the subject of the black card. A clothesline tackle by Tyrone's Martin O'Reilly brings a halt to a Donegal attack.

A perfect example of what the black card was introduced for. A cynical, reckless challenge, pulling the player to the ground, no attempt to play the ball. Black card, end of story. Referee Joe McQuillan shows a yellow. Total cop-out.

Why have the rule in the first place if it's not going to be implemented? When the card came in first, referees were applying it correctly, and the result was higher scoring and more free-flowing games. Then at some point during the Kerry-Mayo saga in last year's championship, it seems like an edict came from above and the card was effectively ditched. Either enforce the rule or get rid of it, one or the other. What is the point of a rule book full of rules that everybody ignores? (to be continued...)

4 mins Donegal are patient in their build up play, but at the same time always on the lookout for an inside forward finding a bit of space.

5 mins An absolutely blatant push in the back goes unpunished by McQuillan. It's hard enough for forwards without the ref chipping in.

9 mins Goal for Tyrone! Darren McCurry beautifully set up by Peter Harte, and he slots it calmly home. Donegal caught napping at the back. Pat is probably hopping around the studio shouting “SEE, SEE I TOLD YE”.

Score Donegal 0-04 Tyrone 1-00

Carney: Tyrone haven't scored a goal against Donegal in god knows when.

Almost Martin, almost.

Blatant push-in-the-back count: 3.

19 mins Peter Harte is having a fine game and sets up a good Tyrone score with a nice piece of skill.

Blatant push-in-the-back count: 4

Tyrone could do with a free-taker, they have missed two handy ones with the wind behind them.

27 mins He's not a real man, he's just a Toye!

(I shout this whenever Christy Toye gets a score. Some might say it's strange, I say eccentric)

Classic Donegal counter-attack, the kind a junior footballer such as myself would need a respirator after. Donegal players are very strong in possession, never turning the ball over in the tackle. Take note butter-fingered Cork men.

31-33 mins Threes quick scores for Tyrone on the foot of a period of midfield dominance. Well in the game now.

35 mins Goal for Donegal! A right kick in the rollers just before half time. Fantastic initial save from McBrearty, but midfielder McIlhenny is on hand to soccer it home, a fly-kick to the back of the net as a man from the 1950s might say. Tidy finish.

36 mins Colm McFadden hit a beauty with the outside of the boot to really rub it in.

Haltime score: Donegal 1-08 Tyrone 1-06

Disastrous finish to the half from Tyrone, playing with a strong breeze they really needed to go in ahead. An air of inevitability about this one now. Not many teams survive Donegal's second half meat grinder once that handle starts turning.

It was an exellent and absorbing half of football – you can see that Tyrone have potential but Donegal are that little bit further down the line with their attacking play.

Tyrone can infuriate at times – kicking almost all their frees backwards without seeing if anything is on up front, running headlong into tackles, handpassing sideways. Every now and then, Donegal play lovely 30 yard kick passes into a tiny pocket of space in front of goal, almost always resulting in a score. This is never even an option for Tyrone, their play is too predictable and one-dimensional.

Wait a minute! Ugly scenes as the players are leaving the pitch – some pushing and shoving. One Tyrone player looks to have been on the receiving end of as many as two shoves. A man carrying a cooler box almost lost his footing. I demand outrage!

Marty: The Enniskillen Pipe Band are playing away in the background while this row goes on, making it quite farcical.

Haltime Analysis

The 'ugly scenes' are replayed unnecessarily a few times. Talk about the game for the love of god, it was actually quite good!

Eventually they get back to talking about the match.

Pat: The unusual thing about that score is that McFadden is actually left-footed but kicked it over the bar with his right foot.

Pat then pats himself on the back about the Tyrone goal and links it to his piece of pre-game analysis. Brolly laughs blatantly in his face.

This halftime is all Pat's, and he finishes off with this beauty:

'It's a very difficult wind to play with, it's probably playing a lot into the corners.'

Kinda like an old crappy pool table where all the balls get stuck to the cushions I assume he means.

Second Half

Blatant push-in-the-back count: 5

The Donegal meat-grinder in full effect, Tyrone struggling to make much headway.

Let's skip ahead a bit...

46 mins Classic Donegal lung-bursting counter-attack finished by Lacey.

1-10 to 1-08.

The camera RTE are using for kickouts has been covered in rain since the start of the game. WILL YE GIVE THE SHAGGIN THING A WIPE?!

48 mins Great save by O'Neill from McBrearty, would have been game over.

50 mins Conor McAlliskey is having a great second half and scores the point of the match.

55 mins Blatant push-in-the-back count: 6

59 mins Another great save from O'Neill from McFadden. Donegal could be out of sight, but Tyrone still hanging in there.

Marty (excitedly): Almost a great catch there by Colm Cavanagh.

64 mins 2^nd yellow for giant Donegal man Neil Gallagher. There is real bad blood between these two teams. I like it!

66 mins Black card for Sean Cavanagh. Why now? Far more innocuous incident that the one in the first half. He had to go though, already on a yellow.

68 mins Micheal Murphy seals the deal with an outrageous 45 from near the sideline. Perfect from the moment it left his boot. I could try that for the rest of my life and not even come close.

70+mins Tyrone throw the kitchen sink at Donegal to get an equalizing goal, but Brian Blessed lookalike Paul Durcan probably eats kitchen sinks for breakfast.

Full time: Donegal 1-13 Tyrone 1-10

Donegal are a well oiled machine at this stage, and once they went in ahead at halftime, you feared the worst for Tyrone. It's a huge boost to them to have Colm McFadden playing well again after close to two years in the doldrums. Paddy McBrearty is a lovely, balanced footballer in the Padraic Joyce mould and was probably wasted last year in the super-sub role. They are rightfully up there at the top table with Dublin and Kerry and nobody will want to play them.

Tyrone are a work-in-progress with some nice young players coming through, but haven't figured out yet how to transition from defence to attack. Far too one-dimensional and lateral and unadventurous. Still, nobody in the second tier of teams would fancy playing them – they are very disciplined in defence and do not cough up scorable frees, and their attacking threat may develop as the summer goes on.

Post Game Analysis

A screaming match erupts between Brolly and Pat! Here we go...

In Joe's defence, Pat's point about Donegal showing signs of wear and tear is absolute nonsense, and then he contradicts himself immediately by agreeing with Colm that you can't judge a team this early in the year. Drivel.

Another argument breaks out as to whether Murphy is the most influential footballer in the country, with Pat maintaining that he didn't play well today.

Spillane's closing comment (roared above Michael Lyster's attempt to wrap things up:

'The attention span of a goldfish is eight seconds, a human is nine' and then points accusingly at Brolly.

Michael Lyster: Gentlemen, it's going to be a loong year.

Closing shot of Brolly and Spillane chewing nettles, with Colm giggling in the middle.

It sure is Michael, it sure is!